Umans of Uber

I wasn’t engaged in the conversation during this ride. I took two buddies from one bar to another. They were young guys, Tim and Jeff, out celebrating Tim’s promotion and upcoming move to Colorado.

It all started as we drove past a group of nicely dressed ladies in the Finn McCool’s parking lot. Jeff rolled down the window and shouted something juvenile and rude at them. He thought it was funny. It wasn’t, but he was drunk. They both were, in fact, but Tim was slightly better at holding it together.

Tim: Shut up, Jeff. Why do you do that?

Jeff: I just like to piss them off.

Tim: Why?

Jeff:  I can’t pick them up anymore because I’ve got a girlfriend, but pissing them off is just as fun. And easier.

Tim: But why do you have to piss them off? Why can’t you just…

Jeff: Because it’s f–ing hilarious, man! I just try to piss them off.

Tim: Shut up, man. You’re so loud. Why do you have to…

Jeff: Don’t do that to me. If you’re my friend…don’t do that.

Tim: Do what?

Jeff: Judge me. Just because you go to church. Just because you’re a church-ass-mother-f–er doesn’t mean you can judge me.

Tim: I’m not judging you, I’m…

Jeff: Yes you are. Yes you are. You church-ass-mother-f–er. You’re a church-ass-mother-f–er and I’m a sinning-ass-mother-f–er.

Jeff thought that was pretty clever and laughed at his own wittiness.

Tim: Shut up, Jeff. You’re so loud. I never ju…

Jeff: How long have we been friends?

Tim: A long time.

Jeff: A g–d– long time. I was in your f–ing wedding, wasn’t I?

Tim: Yeah, but…

Jeff: G–d– right I was in your wedding. And who showed up to move your f–ing ass with his truck?

Tim: You, but…

Jeff. G–d– right  I did. Nobody else. Just me. I was there. I may be a sinning-ass-mother-f–er, but I always got your back. Just because I don’t go to church…

Tim: I never said anything…

Jeff: You judge me. All you church-ass-mother-f–ers always judge me.

Tim: No, I don’t…

Jeff: Yes, you do. Just because I don’t go to church. And ‘cuz I’m a sinning-ass-mother-f–er.

Tim: Look, shut up for a second. Shut up, okay? It’s not about going to church, okay? Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian.

Jeff: I know that. I know that. You have to ask Jesus…ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior and sh–.

Tim: And…?

Jeff: Huh? You have to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior, right?

Tim: And…?

Jeff: What the f–? And what?

Tim: You have to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior and…

Jeff: F–, I don’t know.

Tim: And repent of your sins. You have to repent of your sins. That’s the hard part. Asking Jesus to be Lord and Savior is easy. Repenting of your sins is hard. I’m not very good at that part.

We arrived at bar number two. I guess Tim was going to continue his efforts at proselytizing over some additional tequila shots.

I wished him luck.